BEST EMAIL EVER

Excerpts from a DOG's diary:

6:00 am - At last!  I Go Pee!  My favorite thing!

8:00 am - Dog food!  My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride!  My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park!  My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!  My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch!  My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard!  My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail!  My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones!  My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - They're home!  My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball!  My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow!  Watched TV with the people!  My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed!  My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a CAT's diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.  My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the  other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.  Although I  make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat  something in order to keep up my strength.  The only thing that keeps me  going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again  vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.  Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies”.  I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.  I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges.  He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.  The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now...